Bonny N. Peirce - "Social Identity, Investment, and Language Learning" (1995)

When I read “Why a learner can sometimes speak and other times remains silent”(p.11), this question makes me think, “why do I feel uncomfortable in TESOL class in contrast to ALI class?” It’s reasonable, because the former is more formal and official than latter. But …. Is it only reason for my discomfort and anxiety to that class?” I try to look for the answer , “ I don’t have enough knowledge for TESOL, Linguistics (including Applied Linguistics)…. and so on and on….” NO! It’s just an excuse! What is the exact reason or source of my discomfort to TESOL class?

After reading B. Peirce’s article and several responses to it, I know why. I’m another Wong. I’m afraid of my errors when I speak English to native speakers(NS). And worse than ever, I felt I’m so deficient and stupid when I met non-native speakers(NNS) who speak English fluently. Whenever it happens, mostly I keep silent and just speak a little. Why do I feel like that? My questions go on and on.

At last I reached the most basic reason of my discomfort, which is related to power relations in social environment. NNS - I have thought they have the same problems as mine, but they don’t. So I think they are above me. In other words, their social positions in this society, (for example, at IUP) are higher than mine, as a teacher or a staff in school. Even if they’re just students like me, most of them are Ph. D students. Or even if they’re MA student, they have more experiences in teaching, knowledge of TESOL and Linguistics, high techniques to operate computer and so on.

For NS, I also shrink from them whenever I heard “Excuse me? What did you say?” or watch that they make a face. Most NNS may have the same experiences of mine. Whenever I speak in public including in class, I always assume most NS students think ‘how could you teach English with so weak proficiency, especially with so terrible pronunciation’. I think NS is a kind of judge to assess my English proficiency. So they are also above me.

But there is one more question. Why do I think people who can speak fluently are above me? What makes me think like that? It must be from my educations through my whole life. ‘English is the criterion of success in life’. Now, from so many research and articles including B. Peirce’s, I come to know that my social identity may be changed so my self-contempt will be gone in some day. Hopefully.

I have a question to you, NNS colleagues.

When I visited to Korea last summer, I really wanted to talk with NS in English and look forward to come back to Indiana. It means, (if you have self-contempt in using English like me) if you go back to your home countries, do you have same level of self-contempt for your English proficiency? My answer is “no”. Why? Let’s talk about it in class. I think it is also connected with social power relation.